The first time I noticed that I have shame around my privilege (which I never even considered I had) and in fact my ancestors (having been brought up in a 'typical' west of Scotland working class background I was always 'proud' of where I came from; everyone likes the Scots, right?) was when I was in San Francisco after attending the Leadership Programme with BayNVC. A friend had asked if I wanted to join her at a worship session at the John Coltrane church downtown. I felt excited about going, sounded like fun; singing, music, jazz, expression and I was tickled that Coltrane is a Scots name. I realise I am still innocent about certain things so it was a shock in my system when I realised why the famous black jazz musician had a Scots name. Slavery! I vividly remember standing with a lady from the church looking up at a mural of John and her telling me about the history of the church. I said I was from Scotland and that Coltrane was a Scottish name. As soon as the words came out my mouth I realised that John's parents were probably brought to the States by a Scottish master to live a life of slavery. The shame that came over me almost knocked me off my feet. I could feel it permeate throughout my whole body. I was left speechless as I entered the room for worship. I didn't know how to put it into words until now. This was resurrected recently after listening to Woman's Hour on Radio 4 having heard the story of an American journalist who had been raped by a young black man in a theatre. She told of how her white middle class shame had prevented her from listening to her concerns about following the young black man into the theatre (she had been called there to cover a story and later discovered it was a set up and that the young man had planned to rape her). Her story deeply moved me, not only because she had been exposed to this experience; what really moved me and was at the heart of her sharing her story was that because of her shame she didn't want to be seen as the white privileged lady who didn't trust the young black man. I immediately asked myself the question 'when do I do these things in my life?' I notice that I sometimes smile at black people because I have the belief that they won't be met with kindness or warmness in life because they are 'marginalised' and therefore the energy that I meet them with is from shame and wanting to make it up for my caucasian 'race'. So how do we shift these beliefs and shame that influence our choices? In my opinion with a lot of work and the ability to mourn. In my experience mourning shifts something fundamentally within my system that through the process I notice my behaviour begins to change, my choices are different and I notice that there is an absence of shame and I can behave and contribute in a way that is authentic. This has required practicing the ability to touch heartbreak, sorrow and be with the level of tenderness that arises. Now, how can we learn to do that when there's even shame around mourning, when we've been told from a young age not to cry or express anything other than happiness. This in itself is a piece of work. This is my work and this is how I'm choosing to show up in the world, to support others to go there so that they can heal in themselves, the wounding of our ancestry and wider systems. I believe this is needed. This blog is a work in progress, I'll add to it over time and I welcome any comments to how this has touched anyone so far.