It's just over a year since my Dad passed away. During this time, my sister and I have been navigating new experiences individually and together, dealing with bigger emotions, family relationships, building work and compliances, clearing furniture and tools (Dad's passion was building and creating interesting things from old stuff) and finding a suitable home for his cats before we could even consider contacting the estate agents to put his home on the market. I wouldn't change any of this experience even though I felt a great strain in me at times. I feel stronger from having had the experiences and reframing how I view life . I Understand that it's 'happening for me and not to me' (loving what is). So, that's a little bit of background...
What's really the most interesting thing for me in this whole experience was the importance to me of cleaning the floors. I was reflecting back to around 4 years previous when I was reconciling my relationship with Dad (we hadn't seen each other much for around 5 years). He had recently separated from his long term partner and it was apparent to me that he was struggling. I remember vividly on one occasion he mentioned needing help to clean the floors as the cats hairs were getting everywhere (they cast a lot which was one reason I couldn't take them; I'm a bit allergic). Dad's entire house was covered in wooden flooring which he had fitted himself and I knew that he took pride in his home and the appearance of it. At this time and as I wasn't living close by, I didn't take his expression of needing support too seriously, in fact I remember having some belief that it 'wasn't really my place to clean for him'.
Jumping forward to when Dad was ill, again he asked me to clean the floors and again I had resistance to doing this. I imagine I might get a lot of people reading this judging me and I can understand that, I certainly did a lot of judging of myself. I was telling myself that I wasn't going to do it as there was other people around for him full time (not doing intimate care, that was McMillan who would do that) and it wasn't the most important way that I could support him (I was focusing on hearing him, empathising when I thought it would support his well-being as well as other practical things like hospital visits and speaking with hospice staff; I thought I was doing enough) He was still smoking, and when he knew he wasn't going to 'get better' he increased the amount he smoked. I don't enjoy being in smoky confined spaces and I did ask if he would consider not smoking while I visited him (which was almost every day at this point) I could see that it was difficult for him not to. These 'thoughts and beliefs' kept me away from doing the one thing that I later discovered only brought me joy and peace and a connection to him.
One day I turned up and I could see that the floors hadn't been cleaned. I couldn't stand it, I had to do it, I felt that fierceness in me. I wanted to honour him by doing the thing I knew would bring him some pleasure. I was there for a few hours to give his regular carers a break and while they were out I brushed and mopped the floors. I remember feeling such a sense of peace in me and felt honoured to carry out this 'love in action'. Dad wasn't speaking much at this point as he found it difficult to. I'll never forget how heartbroken I felt when he said "thank you, I'm very much obliged to you". This touched my heart so deeply that I cannot put into words. I felt so connected to him and this simple human connection we were having through me cleaning his floors. I felt so sad that I hadn't done this for him in the past and I could sense all the missed time we could have had together. He didn't want much, just the simple action of having clean floors and a pleasant environment to live in and whether he would have known it or not it would have been something that we shared. I know that this is also a story in my mind although I'm ok with this one because it's full of love.
So, when it came to cleaning the house in preparation for the estate agents, we had planned to get a company in. It's a 3 bedroom with bathroom and 2 shower rooms so a significant amount of work. It was the last thing for me to do and I knew that if I was to leave this final act of love in relation to his home to someone else I would have deeply regretted it. I was very grateful to have the support of a friend to help me clear the final bits from the living-room and clean the kitchen although I had to do the floors and bathrooms. I was on my own when I finally cleaned the bathrooms. I cried, I felt an incredible love and appreciation for my Dad and I will never let something like that happen again. I get something valuable from this experience. When someone makes a specific request of me I want to do my upmost to support them with it in any way I possibly can because to me these are the precious moments in life. Washing floors and being in service through love in action.
Painful beliefs can act as doors that keep us from moving through into this kind of living action. Once we can find the keys to open them, the light and air can come flooding in and it's possible to breath deeply and freely again, life-giving and nourishing. I have a couple of ways I work with dissolving painful beliefs. One is by exploring the needs that we are trying to meet by holding a belief and by giving empathy to those parts. Another way is to do The Work of Byron Katie which I find particularly helpful for myself. I'm going to explore this in more depth by attending the 9 day school for The Work this year in Germany. Who would you be without your story? As a friend said to me recently 'oh stop there, that's too big a question and I'll really have to think about that one'. A lot of things go on for me when I realise I'm attached to a story and I have a choice whether to believe it or not. One of those things is. I'm much more energised and can stay within a flow of life noticing that I'm moving freely from one moment to the next, another is that I notice in a more acute way when I'm attached to a story. How do I know? My body is strongly telling me that there's an attachment to some belief. This is a work in progress and one which I'm devoted to. If I hadn't believed some painful thought my relationship with my dad could have been more intimate, I might have spent more time with him, I probably would have sent more cards when we weren't in touch (because I know that he likes that sort of expression) and I might have even went on holiday with him. I would definitely have made more of an effort and not think that he needed to meet me half way because I would have been free and able to just meet him wherever he was because I would have just loved him as he was which I did the best I could with the resources I had access to in me at the time.
If that's not a good enough reason to work with the beliefs I don't know what is. Loving what is, finding compassion for ourselves when we act out of integrity and being vigilant enough not to fall asleep for longer than serves our well-being. It's a full time job and someone's got to do it. That would be me.